Communicating Effectively in Intimate Relationships
Written by Catherine Metz
Communication is the number one issue that my couples therapy clients say they want to work on. This is not surprising to me because many of us are not taught explicitly how to effectively communicate. Many of us learn how to communicate one way, and find later in life that those skills aren’t working the same anymore. Others may find themselves in relationships with people who communicate quite differently than they are used to. Couples therapy can be a safe space for people to share what is on their minds, and to be skillfully guided through conversation while practicing various techniques and skills that many couples find helpful in resolving communication issues.
One of the most common communication techniques you may hear about in the therapy setting are using “I” Statements. “I” statements encourage a person to share their perspective using the template: “I feel ___ when/because ____ .” Using this template helps the person sharing to speak from their experience, rather than from a place of blame. It also encourages the sharer to tap into their emotional body, allowing one to get better acquainted with the Self.
An example of this “I” Statement technique in action is as follows: Consider Wendy and her husband Ray, who have been going through a rough patch in their relationship. Wendy is a stay at home parent while Ray works swing swift with varying hours. Wendy wants to share with Ray her thoughts and feelings around what it’s like when Ray comes home from work. In the past, Wendy might say something like “Anytime you get home from work you don’t even acknowledge that I live here! I am so fed up, and it feels like you don’t love me anymore”. While Wendy does well to try to express herself, let’s see how this message changes when using the “I” statement template. When using this template, Wendy might share something like “I feel dismissed and unloved when you come home from work and don’t acknowledge me. I start to worry about our relationship when I feel so disconnected from you.” Here, Wendy shared how she was feeling, and what was going on at the time of those feelings. Wendy took it a step further and let Ray know what she would like instead.
“I” Statements are only one piece to the puzzle when it comes to effective communication. They play a big role in how we present an issue to someone we love. When we can come from a place of compassion and respect, speaking clearly about what is going on for us, we are likely to have better results come from these conversations.