BookTalk: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Recently, I gave my attention to Lindsay Gibson’s Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal From Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, also referred to as ACOEIP. This is one I’ve learned some things about, but until recently hadn’t actually read through. Gibson explains to readers what emotional immaturity looks like, describing the experience one may have growing up with an emotionally immature parent. She explains the impact this has on children of emotionally immature parents, such as a deep sense of loneliness, insecurity and relationship struggles. Gibson helps us to understand the impact emotionally immature parents have on their children, referencing Mary Ainsworth’s attachment theory research, as well as Bowen’s work concerning enmeshment and triangulation in relationships.
Later in the book, Gibson provides us with some ways of moving forward as we come to grips with the effects of emotionally immature parenting, and the variety of ways this can impact a person’s whole living system. Gibson encourages the reader to step into who they really are, shedding those self-limiting beliefs that come with whatever “role” you were taught to fit into. She encourages one to detach and observe in relationships where you suspect emotional immaturity, engaging with these people in a neutral way, and focusing on outcomes rather than a deep intimate relationship (that is just not realistic when dealing with someone with high levels of emotional immaturity). Gibson encourages the reader to manage their expectations. We end up hurting our own feelings when we expect another person to change and they continue being who they are.
I could go on and on about what else you may find in this book if you choose to read it, but I’ll leave some to be discovered. ACOEIP provides a deeper understanding of what it is like to grow up in a particular kind of dysfunction. While the realities uncovered may feel daunting at first, Gibson reminds us there is hope and healing. I found much of what she describes to be similar to what is often discussed in 12-step spaces, suggesting that healing comes from acknowledgement, surrender, self-awareness, setting boundaries and so on. She shows us that while we have spent much of our lives trying to fit into some “role self” that was determined around the dysfunction that comes from having an emotionally immature parent, we have the choice and power to step into who we really are. Many of those who grew up with emotionally immature parents find themselves to be people-pleasers, perfectionists, or impulsive externalizers.
“True freedom from unhealthy roles and relationships starts within each of us” Gibson states. Gibson also writes that “Your goodness as a person isn’t based on how much you give in relationships, and it isn't selfish to set limits on people who keep on taking”. The whole point, for me anyways, is that there is hope. We can recognize and understand our past without being stuck in it. We have the ability to rewire old patterns that no longer serve us into new ones that allow us to thrive in relationship to ourselves and others.