How to Take Care of Yourself While Grieving
Grief comes in many forms. Some are grieving the death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, or the ideas they had for their life that have not come to fruition. If you talk to people about what their grief experience is like, you may find that each of them process quite differently. Some of you may have heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. While these stages are a common model for grief, it is not linear. You may feel acceptance and gratitude one day, and then the next morning be seething with unprocessed rage. There may be moments where you feel “back to normal”, and others where it feels like the biggest task in the world to get out of bed and shower. You also will find that grief will present differently for different losses. Grief is quite honestly, messy as f***.
I don’t know that I have all the answers when it comes to how to best take care of yourself when moving through such a complex process, but in my personal experiences with grief, my work with grieving clients and therapeutic knowledge, I’ve gathered some ideas on the topic.
Number one suggestion I have: be gentle with yourself. “Well, how can I be gentle with myself?” I’m glad you asked. Here are a few answers I have so far:
Check in with your emotional body, allowing space for whatever emotions are there to come up and be expressed. You might find yourself moving through several emotions in a moment's time, while other times you may feel numb or disconnected. All of this is okay. Some helpful ways of moving through emotions for some include journaling, talking to a loved one or therapist, or crying in the car while the right music plays.
Ask yourself “How charged is my battery today?”, and adjust your expectations from there. One of the hardest parts about grief is that life goes on. Most people have to eventually get back to work, take care of the family, finish that project and so on. Know that you may not be able to tackle it all every single day, so knowing where your energetic battery sits can help you to prioritize accordingly. Some days you may have enough energy to fulfill “business as usual” while other days taking a shower and feeding yourself are about all you can muster.
Accept and ask for help. This might be a challenge if you’re someone who tends to go it alone. I encourage you to challenge this tendency. Let your friend drop off warm food. Allow a trusted person to check in on you every so often. There are times you will move through this experience alone, and there are times where you will be lovingly supported. Someone once shared with me “Pain shared is halved, joy shared is doubled”.
Practice self-compassion. Some people find themselves getting really frustrated as time goes on and this process of grief also goes on. Have some compassion for what you are going through. There is no timeline on grief, and most people I talk to about it report that it doesn’t totally go away, but it can become more tolerable. Talk to yourself the way you’d speak to your very best friend, with unconditional love and understanding.
Consider additional support from a therapist, doctor or other professional that will be able to help you navigate all that’s coming up for you at this time. Some people find old childhood wounds resurfacing, fear of what the future holds and confusion about “where to go from here”. Health and wellness professionals and support groups can hold space and provide care that supports this idea of being gentle with ourselves as we move through this difficult time.
I’ll say it again, grief is not linear. Grieving a loss is a profound experience that we will all move through many times in our lives. You deserve to support and be supported. Lastly, I want to share another thought on grief that was shared with me on more than one occasion:
Grief is love.